A big cocktail

Dear Lovely readers,

I have been so bad to you. All those months without writing, telling you stories. Being bad with keep my love ones updated. I am sorry for that. My fingers only want to write, they want to blog...they are made for writing and believe me or not, it is the thing I love to do the most. Why such a long time without a story? Life is drifting and to be honest....crazy...so crazy that I needed to find a way to write this new part of my blog. A new way, a new style, new stories. I needed to decide what to tell and what to keep for myself. I don´t want to upset, shock or hurt anyone with new stories. My life now.....my crazy life now is a combination between Sex & the City and Will and Grace....

sooo Now after all this months....I decided how to write. I will tell my life new life....keep in mind that sometimes I make the stories a bit bigger to make it nicer for you to read. Keep in mind I am a young pretty woman, living with 3 handsome men but I always...will take care of myself...so if I shock you...I am just living life but I guess I will not.

We are now in May, the time here goes faster than ever before. The summer is here. Blue sky’s, people outside with every small sign of sun, drinking beers having lunches outside because the summer that is what you need in Iceland. After months of darkness you want to suck in all the light. The nights are getting longer and longer, more and more tourist trying to get ´´the real Icelandic experience´´ But the sun here also means, craziness, looking for love, hooking up, and make endless nights. I love it, and I do more and more the same. Icelandic life is living me. I run out with the sun, wear t-shirts with only 8 degrees, I have lunches and brunches, go for a run in the park, go to the pool to get a tan and make endless party nights. I have a feeling a never had before....
I feel young, I feel free, I feel pretty, I feel smart....I feel totally good about myself and who I am, something I never experience in my life before. But this beautiful feeling was different in the darkness of February and march...

New that is what I was. I knew the country, the people but I had to start all over again. From the day I came back I didn´t gave myself the time to realize that I was back, that I was going to live a new life. I just start working like all was normal. I started as housekeeping in a hotel downtown Reykjavik. I heard a lot of stories, bad stories about the hotel but you know? It is a small country and I would like to make my own opinion. It started okay, I was the only woman but who cares. The three other guys working in housekeeping were nice and helping me out. My handsome boss seems to be nice but...he was not really talking to me. ´´Icelandic men´´ was my thought. If I e-mailed him it took a long time to get a answer and always when I was finishing work, he was not there. ´´Slow Icelanders´´ Well weeks passed by. People leaving in the hotel and I was working more and more. I didn´t receive any pay check and had some problems with the hours I worked in December and January. Still I am patient and always try to see the best. But......When I saw my pay check I discovered all was in Icelandic and it didn´t really made sense to me. My boss started talking to me. ´´Ellen the toilet was not clean enough´´ Ellen you forgot a towel´´ Ellen you put 2 tea bags instead of 4´´ etc etc etc...Every single day he came with a list from things I did wrong. I was working many hours, many days, I didn´t had any weekend off and I started to become a cranky old tired woman. I was afraid for doing things wrong. First thing to do was going to the union to check my papers. The stories were true, I didn´t get what I was suppose to get, plus working so much was not legal, every weekend working was not legal either. I can go on and on and on. I started to get the feeling ´´I am a foreigner and I am a woman´´ The last thing is strange in Iceland. Iceland is the most women friendly place in Europe and women are very strong and powerful here. Time to be a Icelandic women. I talked with my boss and gave him a new change. In the meanwhile, my roommates where partying all the time, having lunches brunches, after parties, sex and wildness and I? Work, eat and sleep. I started to wonder if it was a good idea to live with this crazy people. They partied till 6 and I was waking up by then for work. I cried, what the hell I was doing here? Cleaning I can do in the Netherlands, my real friends are there, no one is here to take care of me, and I need to fight against my boss, I need to arrange other foreign paper work, insurance etc Maybe I should go home. All my worries, my thoughts, my doubts....I kept them mostly inside.

Tomos moved to Korea and I was hoping to get less contact with him. But no we even had more contact. In the middle of night for him or me. Waking up at 4 checking Facebook and Skype. Talking about everything. It was getting more and more intense instead of less. My mind was all over the place but not about my life here. We were worried about each other, I was waking up and going to bed with Tomos on my mind. I met other guys but I couldn’t do anything, I was stocked. Stocked in the darkness, stuck in being a foreign woman, stuck with a man I would never have.
About this time I can say, I was lost....

We had the housewarming party. I asked the weekend off finally I could party, drink, have fun go out with my roommates. The evening started with all 4 of us dressing up. The shower is a busy place in my house at Friday and Saturday. I bought a new nice dress, took the time to do my hair and make-up and as you can see on the picture I looked nice that night. I was tired, I was not taking care well of myself, so the cocktails, vodka and tequila were coming in as bomb! The next morning, I woke up in my bed......not knowing what happened. Do you know the video ´´last Friday night´´? I felt like this. Looking around me with signs, but no memories. I came down and the first thing I asked ´´I didn´t make it to Kiki?´ No I didn´t. No I was flirting with some Greek guy, after I disappear. Julio checked on me I was drunk, and almost sleeping. What was suppose to be a good night, finished in my bed sleeping. Far as I remember it was nice. It was nice to be with my roommates have time with them, but it was a sign, something had to change. That what happened was not the Ellen I knew, not the one the few friends knew. I talked with Tomos about it and realize this is not the way to work, to party, to have fun..not the way to live.

Life was carrying on. I was surrounded by Spanish people kicking my ass. ´´Ellen you are a pretty woman, your English is perfect, you have dreams and goals, go out the housekeeping, you can do it´´ ´´Ellen, move on´´ Ellen live a little´´ etc etc. and one day, the first of April the change came. I came home from work sad, upset and tired. I wanted to talk to Tomos who giving me a whole drunk love explanation. It was to much. I came down Jésus and 2 friends were sitting there....´´Ellen it is enough, you are loosing yourself, write a e-mail now to you work that you will quick do it, and do it now´´ I did, I wrote a e-mail I wanted to quick in 15 days. I took a walk, talked with my lovely supporting mother and wrote Tomos. I was in love, even if I really didn´t want.
I started to apply for front desk jobs, bar jobs and tour guide jobs. Tomos and me?? Playing hide and seek. I also took more time for myself. I walked around Reykjavik, to the old cemetery, what a beautiful peaceful place. Maybe you think I am crazy but it is really beautiful. Old, scary, sincere and peaceful. I walked next to the seaside, looked up at Esja, she is changing all the time. The snow slowly disappeared from her I knew, I need to live...starting with enjoying small moments with my new and old friends.

Sundays were one of these beautiful moments. All hangover and everyone is coming to our house for a brunch, movie, naps and of course talking about all the things happened the nights before. Talking about the once who fell in love but slept alone, the one who is in love but doesn´t get what he needs, the one who enjoys sex a lot, the one who is straight but having the problem that all the women think he is gay, the one who is gay but having sex with crazy straight men, the one who is wise, the nuns..all the stories all about men, all about love and crazy sex. A new world opened up...why? I really didn´t know there are many very crazy people out there and I am not talking about my roommates but the once who are coming with time, the once who are writing them on gay apps asking for socks and underwear. The once who want you to sit on their faces, the once who want to be a slave...on and on and on. What a crazy life it is. And all these stories we tell each other and laugh hard about it. So far I was still working in the weekends so no...no crazy stories about me. But when I came home after work at Sunday, there was some of the brunch left and 6 arms waiting for me to hug me. I was not alone.

I knew I only had to hang on for 15 more days at the hotel so the time I was free, or better saying the hours I was free I started to drink coffee with friends, going out more, sleep less, eat better and what really made me feel better....sports. I finally made it to Kiki, to Kaffibarrin and other places. I needed to move on, so I started to flirt with all the handsome men around me. Lots of times I walked home alone...playing the game, I started to be good in this. Me roommates teaches me :D At one point I decided it was time to move on and forget Tomos....I met a nice man, we talked, danced, laughed flirt...I walked home with him.....and no I couldn’t do it. I send the poor man home. Next day my roommates and friends were waiting for the story from this non. Well....there was nothing to tell. ´´Guys I send him home´´ YOU DID WHAT!!! I send him home, in the heat of the moment I just asked him to leave. They laughed ´´you are a real bitch, you are cold´´ and we laughed even more. No it was not the right time.

But where we all have fun, where we all flirt and spend our free time in a good way there is a other side....Hearts full of love where broken, tears falling and doubts if we will ever be good enough for someone. Would the four of us ever be able to really stick with someone, would we be able to trust someone and gave our hearts all the way? Because, Julio is in love but it is to difficult, Pablo in love with now a broken heart because he couldn’t get what he needed so badly, Jésus always insecure if he is good enough for someone, and then there is me...in love, broken hearted, forget the past move on, but what ever will happen in the future it will not be same. I simply don´t fall in love easy and I have my standards. With the four of us in this kind of situations we all broke the last weeks unwritten friendship rules. The rules you don´t talk about, the rules about what to do or not to do...we all crossed lines...´´This is Iceland´´ Is our excuse. But I love my roommates, and no men is worth to break that.

I needed women around me, I needed some peace, some space and time to think. The guys where leaving for some days to London during eastern, I was off from work, time to relax and get back to who I am. I organized I Lady´s night with 3 girl friends from World Wide Friends. Waking up in a empty house was strange but so nice. But the first morning I woke up sick. I had the worse headache ever, I was vomiting and my stomach was out of control. Why? stress, lack of sleep and rest and I overloaded brain. I decided to take it very very easy the next days and I wrote Tomos. Don´t speak to me for a week I need space and time to think. But I manage to have a nice evening that night with the girls just what I needed. I made nice food, they brought cake and something to drink, we talked and talked, laughed, watched a movie and finally I fell a sleep. Next morning I felt much better. I started to paint my room, I wanted to make it my place, and a small symbol of my new start.

What did I do during these days? Paint, sleep, watch movies, dance through the house like an idiot, I went out and I did some Tinder...
Tinder what is that? Well most of my friends have Grinder on their phone it is app where you can find ´´matches´´ You see photo´s, some info and how far someone is away. You can put like or dislike and if you like each other you are a match and you can talk. Friends go crazy about this and well I was alone, bored and who cares? What Tinder gave me so far? Hilarisch experience....A date with a guy who wanted to drink the favourite wine of his ex girlfriend, ‘It was her favourite wine, I am sure you will like it to´´ ´´´Say what!!! I am special not you ex-girlfriend!´´ a guy who wanted me to be his guide in need. ´´If Icelandic Skinka don´t bite maybe you can borrow me your couch´´ Pff men, they are to simple sometimes. and yess, a guy who gave me a lap dance....Yess a lap dance. We were talking a lot and he wanted to play truth or dare. ´´Dam man I not 16 and working so go ahead if it makes you happy!´´ Well and he offer his OWN dare. Well it was a good looking man (with no brains at all!!) and why I should say no? ´´Ellen live a little´´ Well come on with that lap dance! While he was giving me a dance I tried to stay serious but I couldn’t!! He ask me to touch his stomach and when only my fingertips touched him he started to make noises like we had wild sex. I couldn’t hold it anymore, I started laughing. He started to laugh to, we had a drink and after I called one of my friends to go out and party like no tomorrow. Tears of laughing I had with this Tinder app, no don´t take this serious. I mean, you will never find love with this app, just people who want to do the most crazy stuff, so Tinder? Nice to watch the photos....bye bye...

Last year I work for Design March and Fashion Festival Reykjavik. This year I didn´t work for them but I enjoyed. I woke up, the sun shining, I had a day off and wanted to spend it with ´´me quality´´ I escaped from my party home, from the people walking in and out of our house, away from all the food. It was time for a real Design March Fashionista Walk. First fresh air at the sea side, deciding what I wanted to see this time. First place to be? Of course Harpar. All those Fashion and design people, all this new and colourful things. Here in Iceland my interest to photography and artists started to grow. I want to know all, I want to educate myself a bit with all these beautiful things around me.
I continued my walk and started to think about last year. I passed Glaumbar and thought about the night I had there with crazy people like Robert, Loic and my big brother Claudio. Lots of Jagermeister I drunk there. Nights where I was dancing with them and making fun of all the ugly people around us....Glaumbar a.k.a Ugly People Place.
I walked to the harbour and thought about a project I did with dear Alice. It was so cold, the wind was hard and we needed to film and interview people. We were running to people like little children and having fun. At the harbour I saw the museum I visit with Kadri at a rainy day. We were so wet, drunk hot chocolate and we playing in the ship build in the museum. I looked down and saw my old dirty blue Vans, a gift from Spanish Maria, she is walking with me now to lots of places. Marta she was only with us for two months. We saw, we talked, laughed, cried, shout experience a lot together in those months. Now I am walking a new path with the memories of these wonderful people in my mind and I hope...I will see this people again.

I started to get my life on track. I bought a libery card, I took care of my insurance card, my Icelandic bank account, my tax card etc etc...I started to become a young indepent woman living the Icelandic life. After applying a lot there was coming some sun!! Ana, Spanish friends works as a manager in a hotel. She did a good word for me, made the connection and when I brought my CV, I only could hope to work for this hotel. Soon after that I had the job interview. ´´Don´t screw it up this time Ellen, whatever they ask take your time to answer, smile and be honest´´ That is what I told myself. I came in...... ´´Shit!!!!!´´ three people in suits, looking serious. ´´Stay calm, they are naked and humans, just like you´´ I smiled, took a seat and started to talk, and talk and talk and selling myself.

One week later.....I was sad, restless and tired...but....my phone ringed.....and I danced and jumped like I never did before. I got the job, I was out of the other hotel because I had a new job. Now today I am working at front desk. The hotel I am working for has five hotels in total and I am all over the place. I work in all five of them, sometimes during days, then during night, I work in their bar or help them out when there is a reception for a big company. I do it all and I love it. I learn, I grow it is sometimes a big challenge, I fall and stand up, I dare to ask, to make mistakes, I dare to show my weakness in this job to make it better. It is a great place. Young people, young hard working people, with a big team spirit. I have to be flexible...very flexible because changing hotels all the time is not easy. I improve many skills, I have the space to learn Spanish and after I have the opportunity to learn Icelandic. It is a hotels where they want you to grow, they don´t want people who are standing still. It is my place to be. From the moment I started, I feel like a human again. This job, it gave me a lot.
Because of this job Ellen came back. No more work, eat, sleep. Noooo the job, my roommates, the Spanish environment teach me how to live a little bit more.

And then last week it was a very good week. One of my dear friends from the Netherlands came to visit me. Iris. It was wonderful to show her my new life, the people who I live with or hang out with. To show her ´´my country´´ but most of all...the make Dutch jokes, to laugh and to be with a real friend, a old one, one who knows me, and...a woman!

Being surrounded by men most of the time, living in a world were everyone is looking for something, living in a city where you see many times the same faces with different stories is keep inspiring me. To keep motivation and inspiration, I say goodbye for now....and I will tell you the stories with Iris, my new nice job, more about my roomates, more about dating and yess..what about Tomos?

Hope you enjoy, keep following me!!!

Hug,